The kinda guy you usedta see in cigarette commercials. I frequently lean against a rail fence, just so my palemeeno buddy can hang her proud head over my shoulder and steal sugar cubes from the breast pocket of my damp work-shirt. Old Pal: she's a broad-butt, big-chested mare. You can tell she loves me by the way she keeps-on nudgin' my shoulder with the prettiest side of her head.
Yeah! You know me: that gorgeous guy you usedta see on all the billboards and high-polish magazine back-covers, leaning loosely against a rough fence post. Levis neatly belted above his full crotch. Long legs gently-bowed above scuffed work boots. Two're three lop-eared hound-dogs scufflin' 'round his knees.
I'm sexy. I just caint help it.
ONE LOOK at me, the music starts. Aaron Copeland: some zippy segment from Rodeo or Billy the Kid Ballet Suite probably. The kinda sound you've learned to associate with the long-horn-herd movin' out, or the wagon's rollin'.
TWO LOOKS at me, all you squirrely-lonesome, dispossessed-women smoke a whole Pack, five cigarettes at a time -- justa getcher dander down.
YEP! 'ats me. OR NOT!
Truth is, I'm scruffy, unshaven, grey-haired. I'm all scrunched-over and half-blind from too many long hours staring into books or the bleary face of a computer screen. Retired. Bow-legged's true. But I'm also balding-up and beaten-down, nearly all-in and mostly tired-out. Slipping quietly through the last few final phases of what's been an extraordinary and fun-filled life.
No tears please. I'm content. SUPER-content, in fact. No complaints, unrealized dreams or desires, Thank-You-Very-MUCH.
I felt compelled to tell all those lies way up-front, because I really wanna talk about the rarely understood pleasures of living with one or more kitty-cats. Yeah! I know: somehow doesn't sound real manly.
NOW: I don't KNOCK dogs.
Anybody likes stepping into animal leavings bare-footed or in brand-new shoes -- he wants a dog .
Anybody likes getting his face licked and slobbered over, while simultaneously being reminded it's long-past time to brush Bowser's teeth -- he wants a dog.
Anybody likes getting romped all over with muddy paws, at precisely the moment he's all dressed up for a wedding he's standing up in -- he wants a dog.
Anybody likes having his dinner-plate licked in the middle of a meal -- he wants a dog.
Anybody likes lying out on his back-deck getting a tan in his skivvies, and getting a huge naily-paw stomped into his crotch -- he wants a dog.
Anybody likes the rancid smell of a silent fart, just when he's making progress with some randy woman he's picked up at the local bar -- he wants a dog snoring behind the couch.
And, of course, dogs bring many other such blessings.
But KITTY-CATS, once they're grown: they're mostly silent and unseen. You can pour a pound of dry food into a sturdy, high-sided bowl, fill a one-gallon water-feeder. You're home free.
And cat waste? You can slide a full litter box between the food bowl and the water bowl. Most self-respecting cats'll put one end in the food and the other end in the box. Watering works the same way. Your problems're solved. Your rugs're safe for the lifetime of the cat.
It's easy to clean a litter box. They sell these little plastic hand-scoops. They're strainers that come in various sizes. Cat-Scat comes out in little hard balls the size of your particular cat's behind. Wanna have some fun, get a sling-shot, put on rubber gloves, sit out on your back deck and target the occasional squirrel who's minding his own business, raiding your bird-feeders.
The new "clumping" litter collects cat urine into balls the size of large marshmallows. So all you need is a second sling-shot with a larger patch. You splat a marauding squirrel on the side of the head with one of those babies, he'll remember his manners next time. You're bird-feeder's secure as long as you keep feeding and watering your kitty. (But that's just me!)
Cats come in all shapes and sizes. Next time you see a sign out "free kitties" stop in and have a look-see. I warn you that kitties have one thing in common: they're irresistibly cute. They're playful all their lives. And they don't eat much.
But when they're little, they're curious. Put a cat-treat into a paper sack and lay the sack out, wide-open on its side. A kitty'll run right into the sack and roll around lost until your sides ache. It's no meanness to you, and all fun for the kitty.
Kitties about three weeks old like to romp. One of the neatest things to see is how they bounce around, boing-boing, on straight-legs like a hairy four-legged frog. Unlike children, where two children are four times as much trouble as one, two kitties are four or five times as much fun as one kitty. It's like kitties have a different set of multiplication tables. *WARNING: it works that way with breeding, too. (Neutering advised!)
One of my favorite things to do with kitties of any age is play "Chase the Bouncing Ball." A kitty'll scamper around chasing the light-spot thrown from your watch crystal. All you need is a window on a sunny day. For night-time fun, drag out a flashlight. No matter the source, your kitty'll chase the light-spot until you roll off the couch holding your sides. *WARNING: if your kitty catches the light-spot and brings it to you, you know you've done something wrong. Stop drinking immediately.
Kitties are hairy beasts. They go where they will. They climb:
up your drapes and screens,
all over your wood and fabric furniture,
up onto your counters and table-tops,
on top of and under your beds,
behind your furniture into cozy nooks,
up into your lap,
into your open cabinets,
and anywhere else they please,
whether you like it or not.
Be brave. It is wise to use a handy spinning attachment with your sweeper hose. Zip-zip! The hair is gone. Hard surfaces rarely accumulate cat-hair. It's wise to spray such surfaces with any one of the multi-surface cleaners available at your local super-market.
If you keep your kitty indoors, several good things will result:
Your kitty will remain healthier and happier
Your veterinarian bills we be much smaller.
Also, if you have heard the exclamation:
"Ye-Gods! Look what the cat's dragged in,"
that is likely because you have just arrived for
a visit at one of your friend's homes.
Or
In fact, the cat really HAS dragged something unsavory into the house.
An indoor cat is usually a good mouser.
Here is a case where the cat has actually
dragged something unsavory out!
And presented it to you for immediate disposal.
If that sounds troublesome, I offer you my beloved wife's maxim:
Love your kitty.
In the long run, it is likely your kitty will prove
more fun and less trouble than your husband.
I accepted that maxim as truth and accepted its challenge. I never regretted the effort it demanded. And had she not recently died, I am certain we would have lived happily ever after.
My wife taught me most of the truly good stuff I know. And everything I know about kitties.
Finally, regard the following general advice:
My wife taught me most of the truly good stuff I know. And everything I know about kitties.
Finally, regard the following general advice:
* It is sometimes difficult to decide with kitties which animal is pet and which animal is pet-lover. Successful kitty wrangling is much like a successful marriage. A lot of preliminary petting leads to a robust and satisfying love-life. Mutual respect and tender high regard, gentle hands and warm affection are essential. Paying close attention to a kitty lends great satisfaction to any pet-lover-pet relationship. It's difficult and unwise to try to control a kitty. A kitty is busily curious and interested in all aspects of life. A kitty will be drawn to any person who speaks and touches and moves gently. A kitty will nuzzle your neck, purr like a rocket in your ear, place his head in your hand searching for a loving ear rub. Gently rub a kitty at least once daily. Doing so will lower your blood-pressure and heighten your pleasure. Brushing a kitty once a week will lessen his bouts with hair-balls. Treat your pet and your spouse with equal esteem. Well-loved kitties make a happy home.
BE ADVISED: You either remove kitty-hair from a brush, or collect it from the floor, cloth furniture, or your clothing. Still, kitties aren't much trouble.
Trust me: KITTIES ARE WORTH IT!
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